Tears that won't fall

The memories in my head

Wont stop screaming

Of all the things you said

Things iv stopped believing

The smell of your scent

That still drives me insane

Its almost as if your there

And then it all suddenly it all just fades

Im reminded of the time

 I thought this was forever

I think of the lines

 I said that I believed

Then I realize

Iv been delusional for so long

And finally I take a deep breathe

And move on

The hidden gem of love

Created in the depths of my wounded heart

Falls and burns, destroyed forever

In the embers of what has passed

I had trapped myself 

In nothingness for so long

Shielded myself 

From the hopes you strung

And as the walls come crumbling down

brick after brick falls

And there in the ruble of leftover sorrow

I sit, waiting for tomorrow

Maybe it once was

Maybe we once had hope

Its all gone now

We are no more.

Love vs Pain

In a world where love and pain are pitted against each other which would win as the stronger emotion?
 

I believe it is pain. Love can be subdued, love can be gentle, love has so many different forms. But pain? It rips you apart, it tears at the very cords of your heart and your brain screams. Pain is darkness, isolation, with far deeper repercussions than love. Love cant heal really. But pain can break a person.

Sometimes I think love is just a lie. It is simply the absence of pain smeared with some care. Pain now, isn’t the absence of love. It stands alone. Strong. Unyielding. Unforgiving. Ready to make you hurt at the slightest move.

Pain is the devil inside you that crawls around your soul, jabbing it with a knife wherever it finds a weak spot. Its black, and slinks all around your pure white aura just waiting for that space to push its knife deep inside and then twist it till you scream.

What does love do? Make you delusional? I think love is a sort of temporary painkiller. It doesn't rid you of pain, it just numbs the effect for some time. So when we are all out searching for love, all we are doing is searching for a painkiller to numb us.

Should we spread love all around? Ya sure. In the end, the world is one big rave party, and we are all doped on love.

Penny for your thoughts

It was perfect. That is what I needed, what I wanted. It’s so funny how you crave something so much and suddenly it just happens. Laying happily, suddenly the day is beautiful and its all uncomplicated. Its pleasant and lingering thoughts make me smile and I am alright with just that. It’s been far too long to feel anything but just pure simple happiness and contentment.       

Two people, so different yet so alike. Conversation flowing so easily like there is so much to say even though so much has been said. Life is funny that way. You never know who you are going to end up with, what you are going to be doing. Its only when you are there do you realize that this is where you are meant to be right now. And that happiness is now. Here. Wherever you are. There is no looking back once you are in it. Once you decide, no rational thought can stop you from following happiness like a puppy following a meaty bone. The question usually is – Is this happiness?

The answer can’t be that complicated. If it makes you happy then it is happiness. And as of right now. I am happy. And if I am happy then that is all that matters.

Silently Falling Apart

The school year ends. I am not happy. So many things could have been better, could have changed. More than the year, I am truly disappointed in myself. I honestly believed that I was better than this. How’s that for a reality check???

I have had many sleepless nights, well sleep-late nights, because I cannot stop my mind from over processing insignificant matters. I analyse them so much that they seep into my sub conscious and I dream about them. I no longer have funny or odd pointless dreams whose real meaning lie hidden in a “Book of Interpreting Dreams”, but are actually very very real manifestations of my sub conscious mind that I am fully aware of.

Currently I am in a negative state of mind and hence all that pours out is the negativity. On a positive day, I will write about the positivity. But at this juncture all I want to do is to lie motionless in my bed watching re runs of Big Bang Theory or some other meaningless TV show filled with sarcasm to make feel close to the human species. Either ways, I don’t want to do the things that could use my time more productively, like maybe making the Science Final exam paper that my kids would be giving tomorrow.

Honestly, I could lecture myself on positivity. If I was someone else talking to me I could give an excellent pep talk. Cause let’s be honest, there is nothing really wrong with me per se. Heck, I should be glad that I pull out experiences in my life that have made me more aware of my limitations. More than what most people can say for themselves. Be that as it may, I still have this feeling of lingering instability. I want to scream, but the scream is silent. I was to lay still, but I need to keep moving. I want to blank out my mind, but the thoughts keep playing. I want to be in the social company of another human being but I am all alone in a 2 bedroom hall kitchen trying to fix a water filter.

This is life?