The school year ends. I am not happy. So many things could
have been better, could have changed. More than the year, I am truly
disappointed in myself. I honestly believed that I was better than this. How’s
that for a reality check???
I have had many sleepless nights, well sleep-late nights,
because I cannot stop my mind from over processing insignificant matters. I analyse
them so much that they seep into my sub conscious and I dream about them. I no
longer have funny or odd pointless dreams whose real meaning lie hidden in a “Book
of Interpreting Dreams”, but are actually very very real manifestations of my
sub conscious mind that I am fully aware of.
Currently I am in a negative state of mind and hence all
that pours out is the negativity. On a positive day, I will write about the
positivity. But at this juncture all I want to do is to lie motionless in my
bed watching re runs of Big Bang Theory or some other meaningless TV show
filled with sarcasm to make feel close to the human species. Either ways, I don’t
want to do the things that could use my time more productively, like maybe
making the Science Final exam paper that my kids would be giving tomorrow.
Honestly, I could lecture myself on positivity. If I was
someone else talking to me I could give an excellent pep talk. Cause let’s be
honest, there is nothing really wrong with me per se. Heck, I should be glad
that I pull out experiences in my life that have made me more aware of my
limitations. More than what most people can say for themselves. Be that as it
may, I still have this feeling of lingering instability. I want to scream, but
the scream is silent. I was to lay still, but I need to keep moving. I want to
blank out my mind, but the thoughts keep playing. I want to be in the social
company of another human being but I am all alone in a 2 bedroom hall kitchen
trying to fix a water filter.
This is life?
