Let's talk about everything!

Let's talk about the moon and sky
And the nothingness inside
I could spend a year
Just holed up in here
Let's talk about the seas and ships
And our dreams for which
We could move mountains and seas
And everything we want to see
Let's talk about the hills afar
The ones we want to stand on top of
I could go on and on
We would never stop
Let's build our castles in the air
Dream of things that were never there
Defy all reason and sense
That would be a good time spent

The Angel and the Child

“You must let go” said the Angel to the child.

The most beautiful woman that you have ever seen, flowing in white and silver, with wings of stardust.

“But I can’t, I love him so” cried the little child with tears in her eyes.

The Angel looked on with remorseful eyes into those that cried. The child bent over with flowing tears, the Angel said “But you must my dear”. “I can’t do that” cried the little child “I rather leave with you and never return because I am afraid without him I am nothing” wept the child.

The Angel softly touched the child’s hunched shoulder and whispered “But that’s not true my child, turn around and look at your life”.

With that the angel raised the weeping child and turned her to look at her life “Without him you are not nothing. There is a whole world out there for you, but he is the chains that bind you here. He is what prevents you from conquering this world, which is your life laid out in front of your very eyes”

The child gazed out to the most beautiful sight on earth before her - her life expanding into the horizon, the rising suns rays penetrated the clouds , the burst of orange blinding her eyes drying the tears.

The little child fell on her knees and softly said “But im afraid without him I wont be able to breathe”

“You will breathe again my child, you will be happy again, and in time this will be a distant memory” said the Angel to the child. “You must let go now, for with him you are bound to this limbo where you don’t find sanity, where you don’t find peace. You must let him be and go forth to conquer your own destiny”.

With no more tears left to shed but alas not even a smile to be spared the little child looked up the Angel and took in all her glory and asked “Will I be able to walk again, for he carried me wherever we went?”

Said the Angel to the child “You will crawl out of here down on all fours, how far you go before you realize you can stand up and walk is up to you my dear, for the strength to find your footing lies only but within you. Go hence my child, it’s a perilous journey. Have strength my child. Believe that without him you will be alright."

And so set forth the little child, crawling out of the shell that bound her, towards the beautiful earth and the blinding rays, “My life I come for you” said she, before she got off her knees and girl walked on towards her destiny.

Delusional

Its been a long time since I have written and I think its time I did…if nothing then for peace of mind.

Im supposed to be on a new path…a new direction…getting my life together…I wish this could be a blog about how I made it out of my dark depressing days and came out stronger and happier than before…guess wat…im still in darker and more depressing days….like anyone thought THAT was possible.

I hate boys…I should officially give up on them and become or lesbian…or like one of my friends says…find men not boys!!..The thing is…I haven’t been single since the age of 16 till date except for one months in the middle….i hate my first boyfriend for introducing me to this thing called relationship and making me addicted to it..I was stronger before…I was alone and happy…now im alone and unhappy.

Throw in “I am wasting my life” to that…and you have a darker more depressing place that I can’t seem to find the will to get myself out of…If u wake up randomly in the middle of the night…well at 6.30am if that counts as middle of the night and cant go back to sleep cause you feel this acute loneliness then are you truly alone? I have friends..who love me…and who care about me…but I have also made sure that I have isolated myself from them..Im in my cocoon that no one can see through…I play my part of happy-go-lucky while dying inside.

Im jobless (or will be), way behind on my studies, in a horrible relationship with a crazy person, isolated from my so called best friends….i am utterly and completely alone…that should make me happy in a way…I have no strings to anything or anybody…im free of attachments…bullshit.

I want to do something stupid…something dangerous…stop caring about being responsible and just get away…and wiling away time at home isnt stupid enough…isnt dangerous enough…I want to be a btch and be nasty…lash out at everything and everyone…or learn how to be strong so I can put all this behind me.

I want to hit rock bottom so the only place I have to go is up.

Bringing in the New Year

Contrary to  the past years this year I spent 31^st December not at a party, but at a friends house with his mother, aunt and uncle and kid cousins…in effect – a party of various ages. We didn’t celebrate the beginning of the new year…but we celebrated life…in honor of a member of the family who passed away in the morning who believed in living.

It’s times like this, spending a quiet night, talking..swapping stories…that puts life into perspective. It put’s into focus what is important and makes you she away all the materialistic blinders that prevents you from looking at life for what it is and making the most of it. Life isn’t only about your job or about money. I’m also toying with the idea that life isn’t about obtaining happiness. Life…is about experiences..its about experiencing everything that life throws at you and living it…feeling every emotion and enjoying every second of it...

I hope this year brings with it lessons in life that help me grow and understand things better…to that end I resolve that this year shall be the year where I sort out my teenage level issues and grow up in to the 25 year old…I have spent quarter of a century fighting life and its lessons…for the next 25 years I will constantly grow, constantly experience life, love more, fight less, laugh more, take responsibility and learn to decipher between right and wrong.

More realistically – I will travel more, allow my self to love unendingly , maintain my relationships with my friends and family who mean something to me.. talk more..listen more..the worth of your life is measured in the quality of the relationships you maintain and not the numbers…if you are surrounded by love and can always love ..it doesn’t matter if u have one person or a 100 people around you…numbers don’t matter…

Its time to stop searching for happiness…and just be happy.

Happy New Year 2012!!