Its been a long time since I have written and I think its time I did…if nothing then for peace of mind.
Im supposed to be on a new path…a new direction…getting my life together…I wish this could be a blog about how I made it out of my dark depressing days and came out stronger and happier than before…guess wat…im still in darker and more depressing days….like anyone thought THAT was possible.
I hate boys…I should officially give up on them and become or lesbian…or like one of my friends says…find men not boys!!..The thing is…I haven’t been single since the age of 16 till date except for one months in the middle….i hate my first boyfriend for introducing me to this thing called relationship and making me addicted to it..I was stronger before…I was alone and happy…now im alone and unhappy.
Throw in “I am wasting my life” to that…and you have a darker more depressing place that I can’t seem to find the will to get myself out of…If u wake up randomly in the middle of the night…well at 6.30am if that counts as middle of the night and cant go back to sleep cause you feel this acute loneliness then are you truly alone? I have friends..who love me…and who care about me…but I have also made sure that I have isolated myself from them..Im in my cocoon that no one can see through…I play my part of happy-go-lucky while dying inside.
Im jobless (or will be), way behind on my studies, in a horrible relationship with a crazy person, isolated from my so called best friends….i am utterly and completely alone…that should make me happy in a way…I have no strings to anything or anybody…im free of attachments…bullshit.
I want to do something stupid…something dangerous…stop caring about being responsible and just get away…and wiling away time at home isnt stupid enough…isnt dangerous enough…I want to be a btch and be nasty…lash out at everything and everyone…or learn how to be strong so I can put all this behind me.
I want to hit rock bottom so the only place I have to go is up.
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