Im going crazy.
That is the the simplest explanation that I can think of for the emotional turbulence inside my mind. The way I described it to someone was that my thoughts and feelings are like a messed up yarn ball and i keep pulling random strands out which keep getting stuck.
I figured I need to get back to writing. About everything Im doing. Spend 10 minutes every night just writing.
So what do I want to write about?
1. Love - needs no explanation
2. Religion - something im trying to explore
3. My future - the ever changing constant
4. 30 - what will happen to me in 9 months
.
.
.
.
and whatever else I want.
There is always a plan in life. And my life never goes according to my plan. Either there are other things that come in the way or I'm just too damn lazy. How do those "do it all" people actually do it? How do they not want to just lie in bed and not use their brains? I want to do that all the time. Do absolutely nothing.
But having done nothing for a rather long time now Im guessing its time to clean up my act and be the grown up im supposed to be and get it together. Right.
Recently I have been seeing alot of people getting married. Its hitting close to home now and it isnt limited to my facebook friends. I look at them and think, they have it sorted. I know in my head that it isnt true. Marriage and a partner doesnt mean your life is sorted. But somehow i hear these voices in my head that say "Get married and then do what you want". Mom get out of my head!
Have we been reared to believe that marriage is the end goal? Is that the solutions to all our problems? Cant find a job, dont worry, get married! Dont know what to do next, dont worry, get married. Dont know where or what you want to study, dont worry, first get married. this M word is like a looming axe over our heads. Waiting for the right moment to fall down and chop off our worries. All we have to do is find a decent boy aur shaadi kar lo, settle ho jao.
Boys. The bane of my existence. I dont hate them. I have a boyfriend and I love him to bits. But honestly, this being my 6th relationship , not counting the flings and "dont know what we are"(s) [i actually had to count to make sure I got the number right], I feel a bit jaded. Like this is it. If this doesnt work I give up on relationships. The only reason Im even trying to make this work is because the person on the other side is just plain wonderful. He isnt perfect. But he's kinda the "where have you been all my life" person for me. Note to life: Either this guy is the one or you arent getting a chance to screw with me anymore.
I sometimes wonder what would I do if I decided to never be in a relationship again? Honestly, go out, have fun, rack up a list of sexual partners and move from fling to fling.Not be emotionally screwed. Nope. Be emotionally stable and mentally sane and never settle. People have names for it. But guess what people, your shit aint worth it.
I know people like that. Men mainly. Im not friends with them. But sometimes I wonder what happened to them to make them live life this way. Old and single. Naive little me once wondered if they never felt the need for companionship and blah blah blah. They probably just decided to screw the whole concept and chill.
I have 9 months. To give my life a clear direction. To say I am 30 and sorted. And my time starts...4 days ago.
Go.
That is the the simplest explanation that I can think of for the emotional turbulence inside my mind. The way I described it to someone was that my thoughts and feelings are like a messed up yarn ball and i keep pulling random strands out which keep getting stuck.
I figured I need to get back to writing. About everything Im doing. Spend 10 minutes every night just writing.
So what do I want to write about?
1. Love - needs no explanation
2. Religion - something im trying to explore
3. My future - the ever changing constant
4. 30 - what will happen to me in 9 months
.
.
.
.
and whatever else I want.
There is always a plan in life. And my life never goes according to my plan. Either there are other things that come in the way or I'm just too damn lazy. How do those "do it all" people actually do it? How do they not want to just lie in bed and not use their brains? I want to do that all the time. Do absolutely nothing.
But having done nothing for a rather long time now Im guessing its time to clean up my act and be the grown up im supposed to be and get it together. Right.
Recently I have been seeing alot of people getting married. Its hitting close to home now and it isnt limited to my facebook friends. I look at them and think, they have it sorted. I know in my head that it isnt true. Marriage and a partner doesnt mean your life is sorted. But somehow i hear these voices in my head that say "Get married and then do what you want". Mom get out of my head!
Have we been reared to believe that marriage is the end goal? Is that the solutions to all our problems? Cant find a job, dont worry, get married! Dont know what to do next, dont worry, get married. Dont know where or what you want to study, dont worry, first get married. this M word is like a looming axe over our heads. Waiting for the right moment to fall down and chop off our worries. All we have to do is find a decent boy aur shaadi kar lo, settle ho jao.
Boys. The bane of my existence. I dont hate them. I have a boyfriend and I love him to bits. But honestly, this being my 6th relationship , not counting the flings and "dont know what we are"(s) [i actually had to count to make sure I got the number right], I feel a bit jaded. Like this is it. If this doesnt work I give up on relationships. The only reason Im even trying to make this work is because the person on the other side is just plain wonderful. He isnt perfect. But he's kinda the "where have you been all my life" person for me. Note to life: Either this guy is the one or you arent getting a chance to screw with me anymore.
I sometimes wonder what would I do if I decided to never be in a relationship again? Honestly, go out, have fun, rack up a list of sexual partners and move from fling to fling.Not be emotionally screwed. Nope. Be emotionally stable and mentally sane and never settle. People have names for it. But guess what people, your shit aint worth it.
I know people like that. Men mainly. Im not friends with them. But sometimes I wonder what happened to them to make them live life this way. Old and single. Naive little me once wondered if they never felt the need for companionship and blah blah blah. They probably just decided to screw the whole concept and chill.
I have 9 months. To give my life a clear direction. To say I am 30 and sorted. And my time starts...4 days ago.
Go.
No comments:
Post a Comment